I don’t mean to take a dump in the punch bowl at the prom, but not every cocktail that goes viral on TikTok deserves to be sipped, slurped, or served. Some of these drinks are just… aesthetically cute trauma in a glass. Here are the four cocktails I’m absolutely not ordering this summer—no matter how many influencers say it “slaps.”

1. Espresso Martini

A classic for the chronically exhausted.

And while I don’t hate espresso martinis, I’m just gonna keep it real: I don’t understand the obsession.

Let’s start with the basics: coffee makes me gassy. It’s literally a laxative. Now combine that with alcohol (also a laxative), and sometimes dairy (?!), and you’ve got a one-way ticket to the bathroom.

Ain’t no vibe. Ain’t no glamor.

Sure, it’s giving chic. It’s giving downtown girl who “has meetings later.” But for me? It’s giving bubbly stomach and the runs. If you see me at the bar with an espresso martini in hand, know I’m living dangerously—and I’ve already scoped out the restroom.

2. Martinis (Especially the New TikTokified Versions)

Yes, yes, it’s a classic.

It’s James Bond. It’s Carrie Bradshaw. It’s very “I’m in my grown era.” But BFFRl: it’s basically cold gin or vodka in a glass with a garnish and a vibe. There’s no reason this drink should have a fanbase this strong, and yet here we are.

And TikTok has made it worse.

Martini girls are now doing seafood boil martinis (?!), pickle juice martinis, and whatever else sounds like it was invented during a hangover and a fever dream. I don’t want shrimp floating in my cocktail. I don’t want my drink to smell like a deli.

I also don’t like savory drinks. Sue me.

3. Bloody Mary

Now this? This one makes no sense to me.

Tomato juice + vodka + hot sauce + whatever random brunch garnish the restaurant decided to toss in that day = chaos.

I’ve heard people say it’s a hangover cure, but how does drinking more alcohol cure a hangover? Didn’t Snooki once say she drank through it and felt better? Is that a real biological thing? Someone with a biology degree, chime in. Because I’m confused.

Also—I like tomatoes in a salad or maybe on a burger, but drinking them? Absolutely not. And if you bite into raw tomatoes for fun, you might be a serial killer. I don’t make the rules.

4. Aperol Spritz

The most deceptively pretty cocktail in existence.

It looks fruity. It looks sparkly. It looks like something that belongs in a dreamy Italian countryside montage. But then you take a sip… and you realize: it tastes like cherry-flavored cough syrup and regret.

I don’t care how viral this cocktail is. I don’t care how many white women are sipping it with their feet in Lake Como. That drink is a scam. It’s bitter, weirdly medicinal, and just plain gross. Honestly, I think this is what lean would taste like if it had a TikTok aesthetic.

One Last Thing….

Not all cocktails are created equal. Just because it looks cute with a little froth and a rosemary sprig doesn’t mean it needs to be in your body. And just because it’s trending doesn’t mean your tastebuds need to suffer.

Drink what actually tastes good. Not what TikTok tells you is good.